Feast of Love

This was originally posted by Yours-Truly at the community forum for PolyAmoury Weekly hosted by Minx. As the thought evolved, it was sent directly to Minx for her thoughts on the idea. How awesome and humbling it is to have this become a main topic for the show.

Here's a copy of the original for your perusal and posterity:

So, every year Poly folks throughout the land wrestle with who and how to celebrate St Valentine's Day. Which of our lovers do we spend the day with, which do we send flowers, how do we figure a grand celebration for everyone involved?
And good luck finding Valentines Cards "From Us" "To My Metamours" or "To my wonderful Spouses (Spice?)"

Last year, I found an out.

Valentines Day centers around the Feast Day of a Martyred Saint in Italy from the Third Century. He became the Patron Saint of Engaged Couples, Happy Marriages, etc. The American tradition of merchandising any and all holidays led to where we are now - cards, chocolates, flowers, and celebrating romance to our immortal beloved.

This causes us problems, as poly-folk tend to not have just one.

I was doing some research on something unrelated when I came across another Martyred Saint, who's feast day happens to be the 15th of February - St Agape.
According to Catholic Encyclopedia, she was - "Martyr and follower of St. Valentine. She belonged to a group of virgins started by St. Valentine. A church in Termi was dedicated to her until the twelfth century, and she is listed in early martyrologies."

Agape, as a word, is defined as - "unselfishly loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another". It is also defined, by Merriam Websters as "a love feast" - a gathering held to promote reconciliation and good feeling or show someone affectionate honor.

The image of a "love feast" sounds spot on for us.

-end copy-

Minx loved this idea so much that she made it the central topic for this weeks show (PolyWeekly Ep 191).

Here around Che Galahad we'll be having a little love feast come Sunday.

Loving St Agape's Day to you and your lovers.

So much better when the stipper is crying

There are just some things that can't wait until Monday for an answer. So here's one more question answered by your gallant cavalier in a pimp suit.

i need help!

my aunt is a stripper and recently i vented to her how my college life is sucking my bank account dry. well she went behind my back and showed her boss pics of me at the beach in a bikini and now he won't quit bugging me to come work for him.
i repeatedly told him no that i do not want to strip cuz i have way more respect for myself and that i would never stoop that low and make a disgrace of myself, however this guy won't stop calling me and harrassing me. he even tried bribing me by saying that if i come work for him at the strip club that he would take care of all my college expenses and make sure i have extra money on the side. this guy won't take no for an answer! how do i get him to get it through his head that i do not wanna strip?? i just want him to leave me alone for good. please help!!!!
Feisty Redhead

Galahad answers: Ouch. Way to denigrate your aunt and all the other sex-positive people in the world who don't think that being an exotic dancer or other part of the sex industry makes a person less-than. Next time a stripper gets raped, assaulted or murdered, remember: she's not really a person, so its not a crime.

Stop answering the phone if you don't want to work for him. Pretty damned simple.

Questions to your EmCee

Seems after the "Hijacked Advice" the other day, people have decided to send along some of their own questions. Lets have a go, shall we?

Dear Galahad,
I'm 36. Me and my Bf (i refuse to say the word ex) have been together for 14 months. In the beginning, I made some mistakes. Galahad, please tell me, how is it possible to just not show any emotions. This man once told me we were soul mates. He bought me a commitment ring over the summer, and told me after the break up that he did think about marrying me. How is it possible now, that he won't see me in person. He broke up with me in an email. How do I get him to show emotion over this? How do I get him to look me in the face and truly hear what I have to say? I am destroyed over this and I really need so help.
Thanks
Princess Not-so-Happily Ever After

Galahad answers: Things happen and people change. We are all growing. In relationships, we either grow together or we grow apart. If we stop growing, then we might as well be dead. No one is going to know what changed for this guy to make him go from considering marriage to breaking up except him.

Men tend to handle guilt more severely. Good odds he can't be in your space because he feels so bad about the change in situation.

How to get him to look you in the face, show emotion, and be completely present and attentive as you unleash your anger and frustration?
Easy - Kidnap him, strap him to a chair in the basement, duct tape his mouth shut and let loose the rage. To ensure that he shows emotion while you do this, you could drug him, but putting lit cigarettes out on sensitive flesh is easier to measure dosages.

If you think that is a good idea, get an appointment with a therapist. This has obviously affected you, and you are not appearing to handle it very well. Lots of people want to vent their spleen when they get dumped. Hurt people hurt people. Do you really want to hurt him? Do you really want to force open all the things that are held privately by him just to placate your own interests? Is that fair? Is that right?
If you really want help getting un-destroyed, go talk to a counselor or therapist.

Happily ever after... what a boring way to end a story. That means there'll never be another adventure. So sad.

Okay, so I recently told my boyfriend that I want to have a threesome with another girl. Like, I've wanted to for a reallyy long time! But he said he didn't want to because I'm the only girl he wants and he doesn't want to share me and stuff. But I REALLY want to have one! Should I just respect his views or keep trying to get him to have one with me?
Misty

G: Thanks for the pic, you look quite young. And because I can't tell how old you are, that picture has been deleted.
If this is the only guy you are ever with, I feel sorry for you. Life's ahead. Eventually you'll get a shot at what you want. If he won't give it to you, there are probably plenty who will. College is great for that kind of thing.


Hi Galahad,
My boyfriend and I just started having sex, but the sex isn't really interesting, just missionary and occasionally girl on top. I'm too shy to ask him if he wants to mix things up, but sex is getting really boring and I need to figure something out.
What do I do??
p.s. One time I got the courage to ask if he liked doggie-style and he said he thought it was rediculous...that embarrassed me..lol
Penny P

G: Bail. You're not married to this guy, so you don't have to suffer bad sex. Honestly, if he's freaked out by the third most common position (and often most pleasurable for women) then he's going to need to work out his hangups before he can be a meaningful sex partner to anyone. This schmeckle is obviously not interested in your sexual fulfillment, so stop wasting your time.


Are bi sexual girls real?
Rick

G: Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.


Send you questions, comments or feedback to Galahad.email@gmail.com and I'll see what I can do.

Hijacked Advice

The first in a regular series where we'll field questions sent to other sex and relationship columnists and give you a real answer. These questions were originally answered by Karen Karbo, and wow is she overpaid.

Recently when my husband asked for my help on a project with his e-mail, I found graphic pictures he'd sent of himself to another woman. We're seeing a counselor, and I just want to be back in the healthy relationship I know we can have. Since it wasn't a physical affair and even he doesn't understand why he did this, I'm willing to forgive him.

I strongly believe that we can work through this, and he feels a tremendous amount of remorse and swears nothing like this will ever happen again. But now I face the challenge of moving on and trusting that it won't. Can you give any advice on how to deal with our situation?
— L.H., 31, Salt Lake City

Galahad Says: I don't doubt that you can work through this, if you believe, it will happen. Though I have to wonder -- you went to a counseling after one incident of finding graphic pictures he sent to another woman. You say this isn't a physical relationship, so is she really a threat to your marriage? I have a hard time believing that this would be the only problem you face for it to warrant counseling. Have you considered this may have been symptomatic of some of those other issues that drove you to counseling?
I think your first step in getting to a healthy relationship would be addressing why this one act is so threatening. In the grand scheme, are a couple 'naughty' photographs all that damaging? Try asking your husband what he got out of the correspondence. If your commitment to each other is so total, then you should be the one exchanging racy photographs with him. In a totally monogamous marriage, your husband's sexual needs are entirely your responsibility. Just as yours are his. That's what you signed on for. If you aren't willing to step up and do what needs to be done, maybe letting him have a little friendly flirting on the side will help keep him and your marriage healthy.


I've been married for 27 years. I love my husband very much, but I can't seem to get past something that happened. The other night while we were in the middle of making love, he called me by another name. Needless to say, that ended the lovemaking for the night. He has apologized over and over for doing it. He seems to be sincere, but I still can't get it out of my head. I don't think he's having an affair, but one never knows. Am I being too sensitive? What can I do to get over this? --J.S., 48, Detroit

Galahad Says: In 27 years you've never fantasized about someone other than your husband? Puh-leeze. Unless he called you "Mom" or "Gramma Hazel" or your daughter's name, or maybe "Bob" you're overreacting. Try pretending you're not a vapid teenager and grow up. If he did call you "Bob" that'd not be the least of your worries. Try exploring the reason for his bi-curious fantasy, could be fun for everyone.

My husband drives a school bus. A female student who's a junior in high school sent text messages to him on Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day, and called him on his cell phone to wish him a Merry Christmas. What should I do? Is this appropriate? —M.S., 40, Cincinnati

Galahad Says: I remember sending Christmas cards to my teachers, giving a bag of sugar cookies to the bus driver on the holidays, chatting to the mailman who was the father of one of my classmates. The electronic age may change things some, but being neighborly isn't cause for alarm. You should do nothing. Your husband might want to tell the girl to stop calling and texting, or at least he shouldn't answer her calls. Obviously this upsets you greatly that your husband is getting these calls, and it would be a respectful act to ignore the attention. We're talking about a teenaged girl. If this is really all your worst nightmares are telling you, then she'll soon lose interest and crush on someone else.

I've been married for 14 years to a good man. Recently our son joined a sports team and we've become friends with some of the parents — we go to dinner, play cards, etc. The problem is, one of the husbands never attends because socializing is not his thing. When we all get together, my husband always sits with this man's wife and even tickles her, walks her to her car, and asks her to call to let him know she made it home safe. I've confronted my husband about this, and he says I'm just starting trouble. Is he trying to make me jealous? What's going on here? Please help! —M.H., 34, Cincinnati

Galahad Says: My old boss used to remind me to never expect malice when ignorance is more likely. That being said, he's probably not trying to hurt you, he's probably trying to help this lady feel more comfortable, wanted, and connected within the circle of friends. If it was not him, its likely that someone else (or maybe even you) might be flirty friendly towards another person in this lady's position. If its really bothering you, talk to your husband about it. Explain why it bothers you, and see if you can get him to agree to tone it down in your presence. It may be that your husband is just the flirty type. Some men are, most women are. Nature of human beings. Innocent flirting is a lost art. It makes people feel good even if, or even especially if, it leads no where.
Maybe you might want to try flirting with him when you're in public. Then again, you have liberty to go beyond 'friendly' with flirting with your husband.


Divorce rates are at 50+% in the United States. With the answers these questions initially garnered, I am not surprised.

Teenage Wasteland

Sad and comical....

I was speaking with a friend this weekend regarding her teenage daughter.

Darlene said she was getting a little nervous about the boy her daughter, Cheryl, was dating. They're fifteen and have been dating "a while". This means about six months to the teenage mind.

Cheryl came along while Darlene was very young, and this had led to one of the not-quite generation gaps between parent and child. Still, Dar is a rather progressive mom who has been upfront about sex for some time.

Apparently it came up in conversation that Cheryl believes that while sex is not yet ok, oral (sex) is something she is considering.

Holy hell! Guess that means homosexuals and have never really "had sex" and that a $10 chore on The Block isn't anything for a worried spouse to ever be upset over. [ed- Going to need to have a talk with that girl]

Okay, after Dar and I stopped giggling over that misapprehension, she continued. Dar asked if Cheryl had been masturbating, to which the lovely young lass blushed bright read and shook with nerves.
She doesn't, she hasn't, that's weird.

So, putting a fifteen year old cock between your lips isn't weird, but learning how to get yourself where you need to be is? Chalk that up to the difference between boys and girls, I suppose.

I pointed out that perception probably comes most from her friends and media. While Darlene has done a hell of a job arming her little girl with useful information, giggly little girls think it's icky and have done a pretty good job of undoing the good works.
It's the most basic part of the sexual sickness in this society. Breaking down that most basic taboo against self-pleasuring is going to be the hardest part. After that, the rest should be easy.

After all, who's gonna argue when they fully understand they could be somewhere else whacking off?

Before I close with a quote, gotta give props to MidwestTeenSexShow.com for their great podcasts. These people are doing good works and could use any spare scratch you have to keep educating our youth with REAL sex education.




Oh, that Quote-
"Masturbation is safe, clean and you don't have to go home in the cold (but it's lonely)."
Robert Anson Heinlein, from Time Enough for Love

Those Romans knew how to plan a good party.

An article on "The Straight Dope" came to my attention today.

"Pay for Play: Did the Romans issue sexually depictive tokens for use in foreign brothels?"
The use of tokens or other counters in various sex-for-pay setups — as advertising to prospective johns, to keep track of how many had been served and by whom, to
keep cash out of the workers' hands, etc — wasn't uncommon in the past; examples
abound from the American frontier, Boer War-era South Africa, and turn-of-the-century Manhattan. In 1919 Upton Sinclair described learning in his youth of a system under which a brothel patron would pay a cashier up front and receive a so-called "brass check," a token he could subsequently redeem for a sex worker's services.
So if something similar was going on in ancient Rome involving the racy coins known as spintriae, it wouldn't be much of a shocker. After all, the Romans, who were nothing if not well organized, enjoy a richly deserved rep for ingenuity in logistics-oriented fields including architecture, engineering, and military strategy; it makes sense to suppose they could have devised a token system to streamline the economics of prostitution, had anyone seen the need.

This makes for a rather interesting duality to consider - highly regimented organizational system for arranging kinky sex acts.
The article goes on to point out that the reverse of these coins indicated a number, suspected to be the price paid for the acts depicted on the obverse of the coin. A survey of modern sex workers did find the acts with the higher numbers on the back of the coin did match to the services for which they charged a higher rate.

These coins, however, give an interesting idea or two... Those would make for a great set of gaming chips that could be paid off after a good round of friendly gambling with various indulgences.


The rest of the article can be found at: http://www.straightdope.com/columns/080118.html

If you'll excuse, I need to figure out the latin for "Is that a spintria in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

'Swingers' in Primetime and the WGA Strike

I've become really cautious about television over the last couple of years, so much so that I've started really digging into the backgrounds of new shows to feel them out. Being burned with enough good shows being piddled on by the networks a few times has made me tetchy.

So, Swingtown- could be great for the not-necessarily gay alt life/lovestyle crowd, but I'm not betting on it.

Here's the short skinny: Swingtown is being produced and directed by Michael Kelly: did great with Rome on HBO, but also brought us Big Love. Big Love was really not a positive, nor even really honest look at poly(agamy). I only watched a few episodes but it came across to me as a scripted circus sideshow. Scripting and acting talent might have been good, but as an observation into a nonmonogamous lifestyle, it was pretty unjust.

The early press release from CBS when the show was first picked up said: "'Swingtown,' an ensemble drama set during the 1970s about the impact of sexual liberation."
The plot outline from IMDB as provided by CBS is "As America celebrates its 200th birthday, two generations of friends and neighbors in a Chicago suburb explore new freedoms and seek connections with each other in the midst of the socio/sexual revolution."

Buzzwords - Sexual Liberation, Freedom, Sexual Revolution. They're selling the sex even before the pilot hits the air.

BTW- Dare to Grok gets big props on his FAQ posting for Swingtown on IMDB for his definition of the differences between swinging and polyamory.

Last season, CBS had an episode of Cold Case which featured a key party as the catalyst for a murder. While tasteful in their handling of the party, all of the revisited characters who maintained the poly/swing lifestyle were painted as creepy, crude, self absorbed individuals. This season, NBC's Journeyman also had an episode that featured a Swing Party as the catalyst for many bad things happening - namely a teenage girl running away from home, joining a drug addled cult, and being killed in a shootout during a liquor store robbery - all from the "horror" of finding out her parents were swingers. All evidence to date from the Networks, Swingtown isn't a hopeful looking prospect.


Some other stuff about the WGA strike and television this season -- The big networks have pulled a rather interesting stunt to keep new programming going this year, in expectation of a strike. The end of last season a lot of new shows were picked up (and one resurrected from cancellation) and filming was sped up through the summer and fall to get as many episodes "in the can" before the contract deadline as possible. This benefitted both the Networks and the writers as they will all still make money from the episodes as they air. That's normal. What isn't is the number of shows that made it through to the midseason break. There was only one new show cancelled this fall - Viva Laughlin.Looking back, typically 25% of new shows don't make it through their first six weeks, and Viva Laughlin made it to 8 before being cancelled. Even the much reviled CBS offering "Kid Nation" has been running without interrupt, despite all the negative comments from Child Advocacy Groups, the general public, and even the State of New Mexico investigating violations of state Child Endangerment and Child Labor laws.


Heroes ended early. Journeyman ran out all the filmed episodes. There are more "midseason replacements" scheduled this year than any two typical years. There are new primetime game shows and American Gladiators has been reborn for primetime. Networks aren't cancelling their normal volume of new shows.

Why? They're doing everything they can to fill timeslots during the strike, and they planned ahead for it. If the strike ended tomorrow, there still would not be enough time to film any more episodes of any show that started the first half of this season. We, as television viewers, are not going to get any new episodes of our current favorites until the fall.

The only exceptions are Jericho fans who've been lied to repeatedly by... you guessed it, CBS... as to when that show will be coming back on the air, cable shows which start their seasons in the spring as opposed to the fall, and a handfull of others, like Medium, that were pushed back by the networks as proven hold-out shows to start midseason.

Anyway...We'll probably see Swingtown in March, as the thirteen week ordered run will hit the May Sweeps toward the end of the season's run. As they've been billing it, it's all about the sex. These are television networks. They're no longer in the business of entertainment, they're in the business of making money. Sweeps is about setting advertising dollars for the coming season. Freak Shows and Circuses draw attention, and people pay thier nickels to see the bearded lady, the midget tightrope walkers and the egress.

I hope I'm wrong, but I really don't expect Swingtown to be anything worth watching, and the fallout will probably require major damage control from the poly/swing/kink communities and sub-culture elements as it airs.